Gulp. I felt like a moron. I really didn't mean that my greatest fear in all of this thing we call life is losing an umbrella's shape to the wind. I just meant I was tired of the struggle with Mr. Wind and didn't want to lose the battle.
Many more real and upfront battles have surfaced in my life since that rainy day so long ago. And many more fears have had a chance to show their faces. The latest has been surrounding the word "settle."
There is a poster that hangs in my classroom that says, "Never settle for less than your best." It's fuchsia and hangs near the ceiling. It has become one of those things I hardly notice anymore -similar to the dust-pile behind the couch that anonymously gathers more dirt and remains unnoticed until we have guests in the house. Things settle and become part of the normal routine. And that scares me.
It's become normal as of late for people to ask me, "So, what are your plans for the next few years?" Or "Where are going after your 2 years in Mexico?" I haven't a clue how to respond. Sometimes I say, "I have no plans." "Who knows?" or the answer I have settled on is "We shall see."
You see, I love my life here. I love my friends. I love the language. I love that being "late" to events is expected. I love the food. I love feeling a part of such a great school and feeling needed. I love it.
So maybe I'm going crazy, but I had this insane fear the other day. I thought, "What if I settle here?" It's as if my feet have been inflicted with the travel bug. They are scared to get chained down to someplace. As much as I love it here, there is a part of me that quivers with fear when I think about staying in one place. I feel like the woman and daughter from the 2000 film "Chocolat" who live as nomads obeying the North Wind. There's a part of me that needs to keep moving.
Or maybe the fear is that "I will settle" for something less than that which I have been called to. Or perhaps I fear that complacency will overtake me and everyday will be "normal". With most fears in my life, they really personify themselves without needing to. Though I was afraid of my umbrella turning inside-out, I quickly realized that it was an unjustified fear. (as a sidenote, my friend I confessed my anxiety to actually did lose the battle with the wind...hence the picture).
My heart too knows that my worry about "settling" in one place is also a feeble fear if I am really trusting the One behind Mr. Wind. And it's still ok to dream of far-away places like Florence, Barcelona and Sydney, right?
1 comment:
I can picture you living in Mexico, teaching all the little Mexican children and doing some really cool summer programs overseas (or maybe in San Diego) during your summer breaks. :-)
Post a Comment