the right words

I can't always form the thoughts I feel a need to say. But I am thankful when I stumble across the right words elsewhere....

Psalm 130:1-5

Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD.

O LORD, Hear my voice.

Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.

If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O LORD, who could stand?

But with you, there is forgiveness;

therefore you are feared.

I wait for the LORD.

My soul waits,

and in His word I put my hope.

tossing the limes

The day always seemed doomed. The kitchen was off-limits. It overwhelmed me to even take a peek at the mess. But the task had to be done and Mom was the master. She put on the gloves and faced the beast. Somehow Mom always managed to miraculously clean out the fridge – giving it a complete makeover. It’s one of those necessary evils in life.

And one of those things I detest doing, especially since I haven’t seemed to arrive to the master status my mom achieved after all those years of expertly giving the fridge the needed facelift.

I don’t like this job, for one never knows what you may discover lurking behind the lemonade or hiding under the eggs. And this week I had the unfortunate experience of finding a couple moldy limes.

I normally love limes. They are flavorful, colorful and add the needed zest to so many things, especially down here in Mexico. But the rotten ones added nothing of the sort; rather they made me feel sick.

And I realized that my life might be lamentably relatable to those rotten limes.

The limes looked good for awhile. They just sat in the back of the fridge minding their own business. The limes went unnoticed, for too long.

And lately in life, I have overlooked certain things for far too much time. It's easier to hide things behind the milk or to "forget" that the limes are there. Rather than dealing with the parts of my life that have spoiled, I have chosen to ignore the limes. Initially it seems easier to disregard the warning signs...until the limes scream for removal.

The limes did their best to stay green on the outside, but one can only be deceived for so long. The hardening and discoloration can only hide for so long. My life has also been attempting to stay green on the outside. I'm still trying to be full of flavor and zest in what I do.

But it's getting harder. Hiding behind things hasn't worked. Half-hearted effort in relationships hasn't been enough. On the outside, everything might still look "limey" but on the inside, something is starting to harden and smell.

Something has been decaying. And someone has been letting it happen - letting my heart mind its own business and slowly rot away.

Mastering this mess may take a little longer than cleaning out the fridge, but it’s worth every minute.

I threw out the limes yesterday.

Now it's a matter of tossing a few bigger things.

It is time to take out the trash.

It’s one of those necessary evils.

the little things

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.”
Robert Brault


Lately in life, I have been blessed incredibly by the little things - the things that often may go unnoticed. Life isn't always about major events that change one's perspective, it's about enjoying the simple moments that happen each and every day: laughable memories, reflective moments, serious times, and experiences in which to be grateful.

My list of little things:

laughter of Forest, Shen and Amara

cooking dinner with friends

french vanilla creamer for my coffee

(worth the extra pesos)

a burning candle

time with special people

fall weather

laughing at myself

stories that 4th graders tell me

running even if it's in the rain

unplanned evenings

e-mails from long lost friends

waking up with a smile

smell of fresh baking

natural lighting

laughing so hard my stomach and cheeks ache

come and go

The rain has been pounding the pavement more often these days. There are some mornings I wake up to the torrential drizzling and start dreading the walk to school as I realize the streets are probably flooded or puddled-up. Yet it could be worse.

When the downpour begins in the morning, I have a chance to adequately prepare myself for it. Black rubber boots and a red rain coat are my manner of preparing for the wetness awaiting me outside the apartment door. So honestly, it's actually hardly a headache or setback at all when the rain is expected.

Call me crazy, but I think life can be the same way. When an expected trial comes along, it's easy to take in stride. When we're prepared for a huge avalanche of work, it somehow seems easier to swallow. What really causes the headaches in life are the the flooding of unexpected events that threaten to drown us in moments unaware.

Taking a nap and some aspirin won't cure these life headaches. The answers aren't always cut and dry. Though I often find myself saying that surviving a crisis "just takes time", it never seems to lesson the uncertainty of the awaited resolution.

There are times I wish I had a way to avoid the predicaments life finds us in or at least that I had a way to be prepared for all the curveballs thrown at us.

I wish I was able to wear a raincoat and rubber boots for all the storms that life throws my way. But I've been learning that life isn't about always being prepared. There are times that more is learned when the raincoat and boots are not worn.

Sometimes I need to get wet and caught off-guard to learn the lesson pouring down. Some storms last longer than others, but ultimately I know that the rain will come and the rain will go, whether I am ready for it or not.

aimlessly automatic

Driving up the hill, I had to remind myself that it was I who needed to shift gears when I heard the engine spinning faster. The car was not automatic and took a little more thought while scooting around town in it. I had not driven a manual car in a while, let alone a vehicle at all in Minnesota for many months. While this sounds like a recipe or the beginning of disaster, believe it or not, I had no accidents while driving in Minnesota. :)

Driving while I was back home last week soley reminded me of a few simple life-truths. When I was lent the automatic cars back home, driving was a means to an end. It got me from one place to another without too much thought as I rounded a corner or came to a stop.

Behind the wheel of the little manual car, I actually had to pay attention to what I was doing. If I didn't shift gears when necessary, it would've been bad for the car. Speeding along in first gear probably isn't the smartest idea to employ.

All this talk of driving does have a point. As I was making my coffee today and going about my morning routine, I realized how often I "drive my life" in automatic. I hardly take the time to think about changing gears, stopping when I need to and taking a different road if necessary. This is the easier method.

Easier doesn't equal better. As often as I tell my fifth graders that mini-message, you would think it would be engrained into all I do too. Many times, we need to slow down or change gears as we go through our daily routines. We get so caught up in the norm that we forget to pay attention to the signs along the way.

Sometimes we do need to stop. Take a break. Rest.

Other times we need to simply watch our speed and keep it to a limit.

Perhaps we come to crossings and we need to decide which path to take.

There are moments that the traffic around us serves as a distraction.

I wonder how often we take the same roads without trying something new.

It is too easy to get caught up in a routine. Without even paying attention for the need to change, we continue down the road stuck in automatic. We may feel as though we have lost sense of direction. We may not know where we are to go.

Little do we know, or much do we forget, we do know where we are to go. We do have the directions, many times we fail to look. We get so caught up in getting from one place to another, we forget our ultimate destination...which ultimately determines our daily steps.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air." (1 Corinthians 9:24-26

While the apostle Paul used running for his visual, it was driving that stopped me this week. I can't aimlessly drive my life in automatic. There is a goal at the end. There is a destination.

And it is towards that end that I drive.

swine influenza...taking the country by storm.

Swine Influenza has forever changed the way things are done in Mexico. Or at least it seems like things will forever be changed. This week has been full of surprises and scares as swine influenza sweeps the nation with its nasty results. Being a resident of this country during this historic scare, it is only right that I write a bit about the current events.

Walking down the streets in Guadalajara, Mexico will find you staring into the eyes of hundreds of people who have covered their mouths with the encouraged "facemasks". We like to think of them as SARS masks. It's a sea of blue and white faces as you look around the neighborhood. Whether the people be in the line at the fruit market, riding down the street on their motorcycles, or taking their kids for a walk, nearly every single person is sporting a mask.

Going to the grocery store yesterday to stock up for a few days made me remember the scare of Y2K. There were numerous families running around the store filling their carts as fast as they could. The amount of milk people were buying looked as though it would last them a month. The store didn't seem able to keep up with the high demand as the store was looking more and more bare during the 30 minutes I meandered the aisles. (masks were also in use at the store!)

All schools in Mexico have been closed down until May 6th. Everyone is encouraged to stay home and stay put. It really is a bizarre experience and the only thing I can connect it to is......this sounds weird.....a snow blizzard. It is as if we have had a huge snowstorm and are stuck in our homes. We play games, we watch movies and we sit around. We are basically sitting ducks, waiting for the storm to pass. But it is beautiful outside, there aren't flakes falling from the skies, the roads are sitll drivable and people aren't out shoveling the sidewalks.

Rather, people are out raking the leaves, yelling greetings across the street (we have been told we aren't supposed to greet anyone up close), and wearing masks as if the germs are the snowflakes falling out of the skies. It's a surreal experience being stuck in the middle of the madness.

And at this point, there's really not much to do except wait for this storm to pass.

And wear a face mask.

...beauty holding hands with the broken....

Words will never do life justice.

The things we feel will never be captured on a piece of paper.

Our hearts can't be described in a paragraph.

Yet, putting a pen to paper or typing out tidbits seems to soothe the 'something' inside that is screaming for a place to escape.

so here's the something that needs to come out of me...

my heart hurts. a lot.
it hurts for the sadness trying to hide.
it hurts for the despair of the hopeless.

my heart hurts. a lot.
it hurts for the loneliness of this world.
it hurts for the pain we cause each other.

my heart hurts. a lot.
it hurts for the unsaid words that do harm.
it hurts for the words that can't be erased.

my heart hurts. a lot.
it hurts for the blind eye so many turn.
it hurts for the hunger many can't fill.

my heart hurts. a lot.
it hurts for the nights that pass without sleep.
it hurts for the smiles falsely worn.

my heart hurts. a lot.
it hurts for the effort not recognized.
it hurts for the overwhelming pressure.

my heart hurts. a lot.
it hurts for the rejected.
it hurts for the unsettled.

my heart hurts. a lot.
the tears i cry, the path i walk, the load i carry
it's wet, it's long, it's heavy.

my heart hurts. a lot.
the emotions that come without warning.
the things that occur without telling.

my heart hurts. a lot.
the joy that gets nearly stripped.
the perspective that threatens to shift.

my heart hurts. a lot.
i can't say that i understand.
or that i ever will.

but these words need an exit.
and that's what this is.
a way out.

someone else can carry the load.
someone else can lead the way.
someone else can dry my eyes.

He has my heart.
He heals the hurt.

I am broken.
He is beauty.

and Beauty is holding hands with the broken.