No More Penciling

It was a good thing that the lunch trays had 5 distinct compartments to keep the food separate. When I was younger I could never allow my food to touch. And I always ate it in a certain order. I ate the thing I liked the least first and the thing I liked the best last. This way the very last taste in my mouth would be the best one - which is why the corn would often come before the pineapple. Insignificant as this may be, I realized I have either grown up or gotten sloppy these days. I often purposely mix my food up and make the different flavors blend. So either I have grown up and realized my dad was always right when he said, "It all goes to the same place anyways." Or perhaps as I tried to convince my parents long ago, my taste buds have just begun to die like the taste buds of most adults. Mixing the food doesn't taste as strange or foreign as it once did.

Not only did I like eating my food in a certain order, I have always felt as though there is a certain order in which things must happen in my life. I have a tendency to "plan" my life and try to figure it all out before life happens. This doesn't work so well; I have been wrong many a time. I knew that I wanted to go to college and graduate early and I knew that I would love to someday teach abroad. Now what? The attitude I carry pushes me to think that I need to know what happens next in life. It is like a movie needing a sequel. When I make one decision, I need to know what the next step is not so I can take it just so I can "know." There is something sick about this "thinking fetish."

Thinking about the future welcomes many feelings into my everyday life that probably shouldn't be given room to breathe so freely. I get anxious and nervous. I ponder the "what if's" and I try to piece the puzzle of my life together before it has even happened. Perhaps I am pulling a "Bruce Almighty" with the intent of playing God in my life. Apparently I didn't take too much from the movie as his life didn't necessarily get better as he carried all the cards in his hands. It's sadly comical how often I worry about what I don't need to and don't do what I ought to do with my time. The genre of my thoughts is too often a satirical piece confusing my actions in the process. We are given such clear directions as to what we ought to do when we worry that it seems silly to have such apprehension in our lives. Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." There is no need to pencil in our future on our calendars.

What if I would live as if my life truly were a page-turning adventure novel - not trusting in myself but trusting in Someone greater? What if I gave Him my worries and stopped pondering where I will be after my "two years" here? What if I didn't make decisions based on my "plans" but allowed my plans to be based on His desire? Life would be different. My thoughts would be less hazy. I'm learning that it's OK if everything doesn't happen in the order I think it should. It is ok if my "food" gets mixed up from time to time. Because however things happen, as long as I am following His direction, I will have the best taste in my mouth in the end as I sit at the banquet table worshipping my Savior. Bon appetite!